Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
