Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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