Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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