So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize