did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
