I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
