He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
