went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
