i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
