I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
