Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize