Dude my mom stole all your condoms
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize