i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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