theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
