woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Drake has all the answers
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
