I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
