yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
