I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
