sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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