i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
