Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
