I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
