If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
