apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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