It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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