those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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