He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
