he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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