you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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