last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
