Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
