You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
