Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
