You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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