Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
