just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
