i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
