I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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