I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
