Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
