apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
