I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
