I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my being single is dangerous.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
