i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
