I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
