Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
