I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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