She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
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