my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
