2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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