They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
