Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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