Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
