I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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