Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
