I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
