the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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