did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The power of my boobs compel you
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
