Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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